Surviving the Holidays

This week we discuss a listener's question on surviving the holidays.  How do you get through the stress and tiredness that comes with them?  Check it out, send your feedback and stay tuned!

Transcript

Intro: 0:01

Globally, one in every eight people suffer from a mental disorder, anxiety and depression affect people from all walks of life. All ages, all ethnicities, and we're here to talk about it. This is a quiet chaos podcast, from anxiety to depression, from disorders to marriage, and everything in between we're talking about we're talking about it. Oh, really raw, and we'll have some fun. Let's do it. This is the quiet chaos podcast. And now your host, author, therapist, international speaker, Jason and our solo women.

Jason Sullivan: 0:49

Welcome to the quiet chaos podcast. This is your host, Jason Sullivan. It is December 28. Outside what happened? We are three days out from Christmas and three days away from New Year's Eve. How did that happen so fast, I don't know. But I hope you guys are having a great break, or a great holiday. Or at least having some time to rest and enjoy what the season has to bring. On a personal note I have been just chilling has been so nice. I took some time off from the office. And honestly, it's been the first break the longest break that I've had in about three years. And so pre pandemic. And it actually gave me time to do some reading that has nothing to do with psychology. And as much as I love reading on the field. And keeping up with research. Sometimes it's just nice to sit back and read a book that has nothing to do with anything. And so fiction was a lot of fun. So I don't know how you guys are doing it, how you celebrate. But sometimes for me just having peace and quiet. And relaxing, I got to watch a few NBA games, which I'm pulling always for the Orlando Magic, that's my home team. We have had to be diehard fans, because as some of you know, the magic have not done a great job over the past decade. And here they are, they're starting to turn things around. So it's actually fun and watching them go on a winning streak is has been a blast. And it's just nice to have a break to do that. And at the same time, it's also stressful. And looking at stress, and depression, and anxiety, and substance abuse and physical illness. These are things that are the main contributors to what people call the holiday blues. The American Psychological Association did a poll. And what they came up with is about 38% of the people they polled were struggling from those issues, stress, physical illness, depression, anxiety, and substance use as higher than usual. And the reasons that they pinned down one was lack of time, financial pressure, gift giving and family gatherings. So even during a time of the year that is festive and exciting. We still struggle. And it's because we spread ourselves thin. I've always found it a bit strange that we wait until the last two months of the year to cram all of the gatherings in all of the festivities in. And then we're surprised that depression and stress and all of these symptoms in substance use goes higher. Because we're sitting with people that we haven't seen that much to the year. We're having conversations, we're talking about things, and there's drama. It's all packed into a short period of time. And then we do this crazy thing. We start January and we say I have a New Year's resolution. I'm going to do things that I've never done before. Yeah, okay. Sounds great. But those resolutions are difficult to maintain. Because once the new year starts, we're actually recovering from the previous holidays that really caused us to be tired to begin with. Now, I think like I said, that should be its own episode. And perhaps next week will be we are starting in January 9. We're starting a great series and we've got some great interviews coming up. And then after that we've got another good series coming with other people who are going to really share their experiences and their expertise in the field, which I think you guys will really love. So we're looking forward to that. But I think, okay, don't hold me to this. But I think next week, I am going to do an episode on New Year's resolutions. The Good, the Bad, the Ugly, it depends. It depends on it. And I say don't hold me to it. Because Because sometimes you guys have such great questions. And I want to get to all of them. I get pretty excited about it. And and so don't hold me to it, but I will do my best. That doesn't mean don't send in great questions, because I am extremely biased. I think my listeners are the best listeners ever. And I will hold to my opinion no matter what. So you guys might surprise me and come in with an even better question next week. But if not, I am going to focus on the New Year's resolution. Maybe I'll get lucky and someone will ask and send in a request for an episode on it. We'll see Fingers crossed. So that leads us into today's question. This is from Mary in Orlando, Florida. So yay, hometown. I am having a rough holiday season. I am so tired. I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to talk to anyone. My family is having so many parties and dinners and I don't want to be part of any of it. What should I do? By the way? What part of Orlando are you from? Well, Mary, let me just jump to the end of that really fast. I am from Ultimate springs. And I have been a little homesick this year. Not a little a whole lot homesick because i This time of the year is so much fun in Orlando, I don't know, if you go out. One of the things I used to love to do was go out and look at all the lights that people put up in the neighborhoods, cranes roost, Park always has good stuff going on, and might have a pint or two at Fiddler's Green, which is another great place. And so yeah, that's where I'm from. And as far as your question goes, I get it. I really do. It's tough. And it's one of those times of the year, like I said earlier that we are rushed, we're pushed to the end of our limits. Because we are seeing people we're interacting with people. And it is an exhausting time. And going back to the APA study their research showing that lack of time, financial pressure, gift giving and family gatherings are all part of the equation that leads to all of these symptoms. I think it's a good indicator. Now the National Alliance on Mental Health, they also did research and found that 64% of people with disorders felt that their conditions worsened during during the holidays. Now, I don't know Mary if if you're struggling with a disorder, I know a lot of us do. And yes, they do tend to feel a little worse during this time of the year. And again, that goes back to constant stimulation constantly going constantly moving, whether you're shopping, whether you're preparing a dinner, whether you're planning a party, whether you're being drugged to a party, and told socialize, and all of a sudden, you're in the middle of a group of people that you don't know so well or maybe you know them too well. And it just feels uncomfortable. I think that part of the reason that we can also contribute to the exhaustion that goes on is that the emphasis is so much on the people around us. And so picking out a gift for the right person, meeting with the families. It's all outward, outward, outward, outward, and a month, month and a half is a long time to be focused on one holiday to the next holiday to the next holiday. What I would add to this is that the holiday should also include some internal sense of recovery, whether it is taking a day or two days, somewhere in the middle and just getting in your car turning on good music and driving, going to a place that you really just thrive where you feel comfortable. It's not a bad thing. It's okay also to be a bit of an inconvenience. That sounds really problematic. But I just because there's a gather Just because there's a dinner, it doesn't mean that you have to be there all the time. It doesn't mean that you have to attend 100% of anything. And sometimes it's okay just to say I can't. And you want to be careful that you don't want that to be a pattern. I wouldn't say, say, don't go to any gathering at all. But I would say, go to the gatherings that you can be 100% with or 90% with, we tend to push ourselves so that by the end, we're usually giving about 35%, we're tired, and we're angry and frustrated, and we just want to isolate somewhere, we want to go back to Netflix, Amazon Prime, those kind of things just veg out, you need to do that some points, just to recover. And just to feel okay. So there's nothing wrong with that. Mary, I would say also, I feel you, I tend to be a pretty driven person. And I have a bit of vacation guilt, the idea of taking a week off, which worked out to about 10 days, I still wake up in the morning, and I think where should I be what should I be doing. So I do internalize some of that stress. For for me, I would say that the family gatherings tend to be a bit exciting, we tend to go pretty late in the evening. And it's fun, it's a lot of fun. But I do feel tired. And not so much because of my family. But more because I'm pushing those sleep times back and forth, and back and forth. And so my biological clock gets a bit mixed up during this time of the year. And January resolution is usually to sleep and get back on schedule, which Yeah, resolutions again, not my not my bag, not my gig, because I tend to emphasize the recovery. And then after I've experienced some recovery and peace, then I start looking forward to what growth will look like in the coming year. And so sometimes I don't make any resolution during the year, I went through a period where my only resolution was to not make resolutions. That was a thing. And sometimes it still is. But nonetheless, I still think taking time recovering. If you're going to make a resolution make it in February, I mean, it really doesn't matter. Because if we're basing it on the calendar, the calendar doesn't take into consideration our mental health or physical health. So. So give yourself space, give yourself some time, breathe, go out and enjoy. Things that you enjoy things that you'd like to do, create your own holiday tradition, and give yourself something to look forward to now the huntsman Mental Health Institute, which is part of the University of Utah, they went in and they decided they would make a list of things that now I'm going to give you some of the things that they listed. And I will add in and I did take a few things off, because I thought that some of them were a little cheesy. And let's be honest, when we're tired, we're feeling a bit low, we're not going to really jump on a lot of these things. And we're not like going to the gym if you're exhausted. If you are running full speed. Probably breathing is not going to look like going to the gym and doing excessive workouts, maybe for some and that's good. But But for most of us, we just need to breathe, we need to rest and putting some parameters around rest what it means what it looks like, this is an important thing. And I think we should address it. So I want to go back to the huntsman Institute's list that they provided of things that we should consider or things that we should put in place during and after the holidays. The number one thing on their list, and I found this really interesting. I had never thought of it. I actually am really considering it this year, but it's scheduling something after the holidays. We get so tied into making things work with everybody coordinating plans with everybody attending parties, dinners, lunches, gift giving gift exchanges shopping, I mean the list just goes on and on and on. But doing something after the holidays that you like, that's a brilliant idea. So maybe a trip where you can go maybe you do it alone. Maybe you do it with a friend. Depending on finances, maybe a row Trip doesn't have to be long, maybe maybe you take a day trip to the coast, or maybe you take a day trip to a mountain, just go to a park. These are things that would be a lot of fun. Now, the second one was to set boundaries. And I like this concept. When we talk about boundaries, we generally think of it like this defensive thing, we got to keep the world away, we got to keep everybody out. That's more isolation driven. boundaries in this context, I think look more like, I want to be around the people that I care about, but not to the point that I resent them. And holding that line allows us to engage with people that we want to see that we want to be with. But we do it in limited ways. And it is really central to us. Because again, all of those symptoms really come from that sense of being forced into something forced into shopping and forced into all of the other things that come with the holidays. So setting boundaries, maybe there's a dinner and you decide, I'm gonna go, but I'm not gonna stay for the whole thing, I think I'll go. And after dinner, maybe I'll talk for 510 minutes, and then I'm gonna head out, I'm gonna go and just maybe have coffee or just relax, recharge, and look forward to the next event, whatever it is. But giving yourself space helps you to not feel trapped, it helps you to not feel stuck, or overly committed to everything. And so taking a step back is a good idea. Now, donating your time. This sounds, again, a little counterintuitive. It depends on what you're donating your time to. But I do think it's a good point, what donating your time looks like, has a wide range. It can be more philanthropic, where you go to a homeless kitchen, maybe you serve meals, but that I don't think always touches the core of where we are. Sometimes donating your time can look like in the sounds really strange. But going to a spa having a massage, it can look like prioritizing your own need for a little while. This allows you to go back into the holiday setting with a bit more comfort, a bit more ease. And I know that's not the huntsman Institute's idea of donate your time. But it's also not a bad idea. So if you have the energy, and you have the time looking at opportunities that maybe mix up your environment, so if you do want to work with some initiative, then that's good. There's nothing wrong with that. I mean, a change of environment, in helping others is not a bad thing at all, it's a really good thing. But don't feel limited by it don't feel like it's another expectation. If you're overwhelmed, if you're stressed, if you're tired, if you're feeling low, your your body is just telling you no more, you got to listen to your body. And so booking a massage somewhere, going and just enjoying nature for an hour or two is strange. That is you're donating your time to self care. And we are no less important than anybody else. And so take care of yourself, put yourself as a priority. Now a fourth thing that the Institute lists is keeping a journal. I am not a huge fan of the traditional concept of journaling, by which was basically writing out your day, you can do that. And again, there's nothing wrong with it. But I do think there are a bit more effective ways of journaling, if this is where you tend to excel. Writing out simple statements is one way, if you're struggling with motivation, it's very difficult sometimes to sit down and to write about the things that we feel through the day in detail. So one form of journaling that I think is a lot of fun, is what I call a one word journal. So let's say you go to a dinner party with your family or a dinner with friends and you feel tired, you feel anxious, you don't want to be there. When you go home at night, you probably are not going to feel like writing a ton about it. You might, but you also might not. If not take one word just one thing that comes to mind no matter what word it is. You can be very creative. You can use colorful metaphors if you want. But just write that word down as the descriptor of what just happen, okay. And there's nothing wrong with that. Because, again, a journal is intended to help you reflect. And sometimes one word is all you can reflect at that time, nothing wrong with that at all. You can do visual journaling, which can range from scribbling on a piece of paper, just expressing your frustration, using colors that match your mood. So Visual journaling is another way of expressing what you're going through what you've been through. Let let yourself draw hard if you do that, scribble, press down. If you're in a mood where you want to feel soothed, get a simple coloring book, something like Mickey Mouse, which sounds so silly, I think in many ways, but you'd be surprised a lot of the coloring books that are meant for stress reduction, I personally I look at them. And sometimes I think, wow, that would cause a panic attack. Because you order these books, sometimes you get them on Amazon, you can find them at the mall, but you get them and there's like 5000 squares, and you're coloring in a mandala that would take days and months to finish. And it just seems like an assignment more than it does. A way to calm and soothe. So if you find that those stress reducing, coloring books are stressful, Mickey Mouse, go to Walgreens or CVS, something like that. And, and just get a simple coloring book, get the crayons. If you feel complicated, and you feel like you got a lot to express, get the big pack of crayons, those colors really do represent our emotions. And you can tell a lot by the colors you choose. That will come afterwards, when you are looking at the picture, you're stepping back and you're seeing maybe you chose bright red, or maybe you chose a lot of black. Or maybe you chose sky blue, you really do get a feel when you look back at multiple pictures that you've done. Multiple scribblings even, you can, you can track with your anger, you can check track with your sadness, you can track with the places that felt happier or freeing. There are so many studies that tell you that these things are beneficial. Another one is audio. Record yourself. hearing your own voice, hearing your own reflections is very powerful. I think a lot of times we have to get past the discomfort of hearing ourselves talk. It's it takes a little bit of practice, but it does come. And it's it's actually it actually can be a lot of fun. You can put some music in the background. Music is a great reminder of where we are what we feel. If you think back to a time in life, a lot, a lot of those moments will will have some music attached to it. I think that's why we have soundtracks and movies, because they do more memorable moments. And so if you're doing audio, then run with it, put that music in. It doesn't matter what kind of music you like, for me Zeplin, some AC DC depending on the day. It really depends on the mood, what it reflects in you. And I think it's a good way to go. The last is writing a story. Creative Writing has been shown over and over and over again, to have so many benefits. It just is incredible. You can read, there's this book I know I've mentioned it before, it's called opening up by writing it down. It is an amazing study on the effects of creative writing. And they compare it to traditional journaling. The benefits outweigh traditional so far, I mean, to the point that they had to go back and re examine the study, because the benefits just outweighed traditional journaling so much. So creative writing, in a way, it seems like a tangent, like some tangential approach to dealing with issues. But what you find is that the person writing the story is you and your story is driven by your experience. And the tone of the story is driven by your experience and the characters in the story. Those are also expressions of who you are, who you are, who you're with what you've been through. Again, it points you back to your experience. So Creative Writing is a great expression that allows you to step back, maybe one layer and to really play around with the details. It is like I said phenomenal. It is a great approach. Poetry also falls into that category. And I know that a lot of the listeners actually do write poetry. You guys are sending it in a person I am a bit biased towards it. I love poetry, everything from Pablo Neruda to Charles Rakowski. I'm a fan. So anytime you want to send poetry and please feel free artwork, also, I love visual art. You can send playlists, if you want, tell me what songs are good, what songs are moving to you, I am all ears, I love it. And I will literally sit and listen to it. It may be when I'm doing a paper, it may be what I'm reading, but, but I do I listen to music constantly. And it is it's powerful. So if you want to send it, please send it, I will absolutely love it. And if it's cathartic for you to share it, share it. So those are some ways that I think are very helpful. Now, in all of that, all of these steps, all of these ways of doing it, the one thing we haven't talked about is substance use, substance use does increase during the holiday. Now I think what we miss and I think a lot of research misses is that substance use increases, because a lot of family gatherings includes substance use, okay? I'm not saying that people are doing crack and cocaine, I'm saying that alcohol use tends to increase during holiday gatherings. So this has to be factored in. If we're talking about isolating and substance use, that also does increase, but you have to take the whole picture into account and you can't leave one out. So if you are struggling with substance abuse, if you're struggling with addiction, again, addiction is a coping strategy. It is our body's way of gaining something that it's missing. Both physically and I think deep down inside I this is one area that I do tend to push past the neuro chemistry and the biology. And I do point to this category that the best I can give it as other. It is the thing that kind of defies science and scientific understanding. It's just that conscious side of us how it works, how it functions. You might hear some theories on it. But I don't really know anybody that can fully answer that question, or at least answer that question well. So when we talk about gaining something, are craving is for something more something sustainable. Addiction tends to be that temporary fix that convinces the body that it has gained the thing that it's craving. But it is just that it's temporary. And this is why we have that repetitive cycle of addiction. I think dealing with that addressing with it, you have to be a bit of two minds on the subject. One is you do want to improve, you do want to grow. But you can't be a perfectionist. You can't look at it and say well, I'm never I'm never touching the stuff again, I'm never doing the stuff again. Because that really does set you up. It sets you up for a sense of shame, a sense of guilt, because, well, you messed up, you didn't do it perfectly. I think that if you're addressing substance use, and this is a, again, another episode completely, but addressing that, it takes time. It takes patience, it takes the ability to see yourself not as a broken, messed up person. But as someone who's craving something more. And so much of dealing with addiction is understanding the greater craving, what is your heart is looking for that it's missed? What is it that your body is hungry to have, but it's never been given. And that can look like 1000 different things. Now, as much as it is in that other category. neuro chemistry is involved. And so your body gets used to things like constant dopamine stimulation, your tolerance levels do increase, and it does become a physical thing. And that also has to be addressed. So addressing only one category doesn't work. What I would suggest is one if you have a therapist that you are seeing currently go and sit with him and work through a plan. Typically, I mean, there are some good articles and books and studies, but you need contact with people. You need someone that will walk with you through the journey of recovery and it is an important thing. Because you want to not just go through the hard times with someone but you also want to be able to celebrate the fact that you did it and you need community for that. I'm not going to spend too much time on that topic, but I did Want to include it as it was on the APS list, and we did mention that earlier. So my overall take is this marry, take some time for yourself, push away a little bit, create some boundaries, give some time, whether it's to a cause or an organization, or just to yourself, it is absolutely okay to be a person in need of a break, and donate your time to a person in need is absolutely okay, even if you are the person in need. So don't be afraid to do that. Keep a journal of some kind. Again, it doesn't have to be elaborate. It doesn't have to be 5000 pages, it can be one word, a picture of a recording, it can be a narrative, it can be creative writing, it can be poetry, just getting the things out that are under the surface is really important. And plan the things that you want to do. schedule something for after the holiday, something that you really want something that you've looked forward to for a while but haven't really gotten around to doing it. Invest in after the holidays, it's a it's a great thing. It's a great experience. And it's really honestly, something that I had just never thought about. And so I'm going to take the advice, and I'm going to actually do this as well. So thank you, Hudson, Institute for the suggestion, I will take it up and I will run with it. And also music. A good playlist. Oh, that's amazing. And so take these things, figure out what works, what fits best with you with your own needs. Put it together. Habit as a as a plan. Let's apply it we've got New Year's coming. And it's a good time to really put that in place with substance use. seek out someone that you trust someone that can be supportive and stable. Like I said, if you have a therapist, sit with them, tell them what's going on, this is their job, this is what we do. Don't feel like you're going to say something that a therapist has never heard and they are going to judge you. A good therapist that's been in the field for a while they've heard everything. It takes a lot to surprise the therapist and you would be amazed. If you were a fly on the wall listening, it is a beautiful experience. And in my opinion, I think that my office is like sacred ground, it is the place where people come and they share the sides of themselves that they would never share with anyone else. And to me, that's just strength. I don't do the judgment thing, where I'm like, Oh my gosh, you did that no way. I look at it more like oh my gosh, you came into the office and you were that brave to open up, you showed so much strength in talking about the things that 90% of the planet is afraid to talk about. You are transparent in ways that the vast majority of the planet would never venture to do. And so I don't see judgment in that. And I think most therapists also would, would come from the same direction. It takes courage, it takes a lot of strength to really talk about the hard things. And so I would encourage that, and with anxiety, depression, stress, those are also things that that are good to talk about in therapy. So there you go. I hope that helps Mary, I hope that helps for all of you who are struggling through the holiday. It is a tough time and you're almost there. Okay, we're almost there. We just got a few more days, and we start a new year. We will dive into it together and we're going to keep talking about new things. Keep sending those emails messages. We have a lot coming. And I'm excited because starting on the ninth we are going to have a great series it's going to be overcoming your trauma. And we have got some great speakers lined up they have they did great we've already recorded most of it. And so I can tell you already I just I love this series. It's it was so much fun to record. Later after that, we will be having a second series we we are talking about overcoming trauma and the first series, what we're going to do is to begin to talk about forgiving, forgiving ourselves and others through trauma what that looks like what it means what does it mean to really free ourselves this will be the second topic. And so you're looking at about six episodes covering two different series. And we're gonna have a lot of fun with that. So the recording for that should start soon and will be up and running. So keep posted. Stay tuned. And there's a lot coming. So thank you again, Mary, thank you so much for your message. I thought it was timely and I felt like it gave me a little piece of home to I was excited to get something from Orlando. So thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. Guys. If you are new to the show, please feel free to email me at info at quiet chaos kw.com or on Instagram at quiet chaos kW. You can also check out the website quiet chaos kw.com You'll find the book quite chaos, the link between anxiety and awareness there. There are multiple places you can get it. It's not just through my website, but you can google it I think Barnes and Noble Books a Million. A lot of the major carriers you can get it. If you don't want to do all the hassle, you can just download it on Apple through the books on through the books app. So check it out. Give it a read, give it a review. And until next week, this is Jason signing off. Take care.

Intro: 36:32

You've been listening to the quiet chaos podcast. Our passion is to talk about anxiety, depression in disorders and answering tough questions. But having fun doing it coming at you with facts, interviews, hard to discuss topics and a little bit more rebellious than your typical mental health show. We hope you've enjoyed it make sure to like rate and review and we'll be back soon. But in the meantime, hit us up on Instagram at quiet chaos kW. Remember, there is hope even when your brain tells you there isn't. See you next time on the quiet chaos podcast.